Maybe, Forever!

At the end of my workday, I always watch an episode of FRIENDS or a vlog on YouTube. It’s become a ritual for years I have lived alone, starting from my low paydays in Hyderabad to a stable career now in Bangalore. I never regret my decisions in life or pity myself for that matter. I have built myself stronger by dining alone at office canteens, having coffee dates alone, a walk to the bookstore, or even shopping solo. Though on days when I fall sick with a high fever and parched throat, I miss a comforting palm on my forehead. The last couple of days, I suffered from viral and more than the viral fever my loneliness made me weaker.

How do you live life calmly when you are clueless about the person who would be sleeping beside you for the rest of your life? How do you prepare yourself for the life after this pandemic, planning for holidays with an unknown face? I have looked around for comfort in friends who thought I was hitting on them. I have looked around for solace in acquaintances who thought I was a transit location. I have looked inside my soul to find a spark to love again, I failed every time I gathered courage in the word ‘love.’

People often tell me that I have raised my standards by reading novels. I question often, “Shall I stop reading about the perfect love stories in an imperfect novel?” For the generation of Tinder, I might sound like a sonnet of the 60s. I forgot how to fall in love, I want to fall in love once again and this time, maybe Forever. When I was down with fever, I always thought, “What if I died alone in an apartment?” My soul kept screaming that, “You would die after hearing those magical words, never lose hope.” I want to trust my heart even though it was sedated that night. I want to be someone’s forever in this world full of “Maybe.” Love as magical as it sounds, can be my cause of loneliness. Love as joyful as it sounds, might break my strength. Maybe someday, someone would save my drowning soul. Maybe I get to hear my share of “I love you.” At the end of my story, there will always be a “Maybe.”

Birthday post

It has been a week into the new year, and we are still fighting the pandemic. How long will this pandemic last? Well, no one has a clue to that question or even the slightest hint. We have hit the panic button with travel plans, new year parties, and shopping shenanigans. I hope we find a ray of hope at the end of the darker days this pandemic has brought.
The new year always brings joy to my life for a while. I turned another year old two days ago. When you grow older, you start getting lesser calls from people. Thanks to social media, people take the pain of writing HBD. Well, I have no problem with any of that. I know all my friends who have always stayed by my side will be there forever. I am glad to be born to amazing parents who have raised a warrior. I hope this year brings joy to my life. I want to spend quality time with my friends, making for all the lost time. Well, far more importantly, I want to spend time with myself. I want to live the purpose of my life. I am glad that so many of you read my blogs last year. I was busy with an incredible amount of work. But I promise to come up with my blogs and stories from my life. Thank you so much for always supporting me.

Brought flowers for myself on Birthday morning after a morning walk

Beautiful flower shop in the neighbourhood

My cupcake story at 12 midnight – 7th Jan

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Writing my first blog of 2022: It feels like it has been a week since we entered into the new year. One day, we were posting party pictures and the next day, we are busy sharing the rising statistics of coronavirus cases. I would take a moment here and pray for everyone suffering from this crazy-ass mutating virus.

Every year, you make promises to yourselves, and take up resolutions. At times, these resolutions are unrealistic. Imagine, I take up a resolution to control my anger and the next day, a trainee (out of college) is thrown at my face. How can I even think of controlling my anger, when I am barely getting my work done amidst thousand training calls! Promises and resolutions are meant to be broken! We have been cheating on ourselves since forever, with these cheesy statements. This year, I did not make any damn promises to myself. I have left everything happening to me on destiny. I might be the person making the right or wrong decision. But if destiny decides to throw me infront of a person, well I am ready to take the bullet or dodge one.

I started my New Year with an epic escape, where I convinced people to head out during the curfew. Yes, we were headed home to sleep. Adulting is reaching for own bed and sleeping your ass off. I wanted to write a blog about the escape, but I was trapped in sleep. I hope to keep you entertained this year, which my blogs. Do let me know about your New year parties or even your resolutions? I would try my best to blog regularly starting 2022.

Reflections of 2021

All over social media, everyone is reflecting on the past year. On that, I wanted to write my last blog for this year. My year started with a rough patch when my father met with an accident on January 2. We were coping with the situation, and later in February, I met with an accident in the four walls of my rented space in Bangalore. In late January, I took the first and only trip of 2021 with my best friend. We discussed failed friendships, bittersweet memories, and of course, the misery of my life ‘singlehood.’ The accident left a deep scar on my body as well as my mind. I stopped trusting in myself for those few months. My thoughts went to people who had cursed us once during a fight. I don’t mind people cursing me. During my recovery days, I have seen my parents helpless. They saw me struggle even to walk ten steps. We were and are still parading for the matrimonials. My worst nightmare post-recovery was meeting a guy and his family. I wasn’t putting my best foot forward, quite literally. I wore knee-support underneath my dress and tried mind coordinating by smaller steps in the hotel lobby. I want to send this blog to that guy to make him and his family realize that I suffered physically and mentally during that meeting. Though, I am more than glad my match wasn’t finale that day. I can surpass that trouble of matrimonial parade. In August, I lost my aunt, and the grief never subsided. She couldn’t be a part of our big day. But, she was present on my father’s shoulder as a butterfly. Call it a myth, but I believe good spirits come back to support you.
After that rejection again, I was adamant about buying the house. I am glad that my sister was the one who changed my perspective on this topic. It’s been one month since the day when we stepped into the new house. I want to make it official that counts on people who are happy for me. Be with the crowd who praise you in your absence. I always knew I would make better choices in life, at least when it comes to friends. I am glad I have people to celebrate my accomplishments. Also, this year my nephew was born. He was born in the US, and we watch him grow through pictures and video calls. I want to be an aunt we never had.
Every year, I start with the hope of having a life partner and end up broken further. But this year, I would be spending more quality time with myself than someone mediocre. Apart, all the mid-life crises, I would like to thank everyone for reading my blogs and helping me achieve my writing goals. Wishing you all a happy new year, stay healthy, and stay safe.

A dreadful night

Two days ago, I had one of the worst nights I lived in here. Someone passed away in my neighborhood. In the silence of the night, all I could hear was the sound of grief. The guy was screaming hard for his mother. I couldn’t sleep that night and all my thoughts lingered to the day when I lost my aunt this year. I couldn’t sleep all night. I could listen to the pain in the cries. The next morning wasn’t pleasant either. I tried to drown myself in work. Trust me, my coworker didn’t make my day any better. In my head, all I could think was about the death and departed souls of my family. My soul was aching to share this incident with someone or just wipe out the memory of that night. Suddenly, I felt lonely in the city I loved the most. I started contemplating all my decisions in life, of living alone, of returning here again. I returned to my friends, but sadly everyone has a partner and I am still riding solo. I somehow started to feel lonelier. I thought I would stop sulking about being single. But now all I can think about is “being lost in the crowd.”

That night would haunt me for a while. I know it’s a part and parcel of life. But I am tired of coming home to an apartment. I want to come home to a person. I hope the universe was listening to this cry of my soul. I feel I have committed uncountable sins to land alone in life. In a few days, I am turning another year old and there is no one by my side to understand my urge for a vacation. I thought I could gather all my courage and move out solo. But all thanks to the new COVID variant, vacation is a luxury or a health hazard now. I wish I could save my soul from dying a miserable death. I hope one day I find a company for my soul, rather than my life. My mind is a mess and my world is silent right before the storm.

Grandparents

Do you miss your grandparents thinking about your childhood days? It has been a long time since my grandparents passed away. But, there is a void that can’t get filled in my life. There is a part of me that always misses them. When my book got published, I missed my ‘Nanaji’ (maternal grandfather) the most. I wanted to read chapters from my book to him. He always knew I would pursue my writing, even though I never studied to be a writer.
Some people always want to show their superiority or judge me for being single. If my ‘Dadi’ (paternal grandmother) lived amidst us, she would have all answers to quite the crowd. We haven’t seen gender discrimination around in the family. All thanks to my grandmother. She might love us a little less than my brothers, but she could take a bullet for both of us.
I gaze at the sky every year on my birthday and say a pray. I know all four of my grandparents are showering blessings onto me. I have grown older and fatter over time. But, I have always kept my favorite sweater closer that was handmade by my ‘Nani’ (maternal grandmother). I was lucky that I grew up amidst my grandparents. They were always by my side celebrating my birthday. But my mind hovers around the future. No one would ever shower me with kisses the way my grandparents would, seeing me in bridal wear. No one would ever love my imperfections as they did. All my grandmother cared about was my weight loss during my college days. No one would have been proud of us than my grandparents in our new home. I lived my childhood listening to their plans about my wedding. But when the actual wedding day arrives, they won’t be around. We are still in the phase where we are clueless if we find a life partner for me. The fact of my grandparents’ absence always lingers and makes my heart heavier. Life would have been different if they were around. They would have loved me with all their heart and soul, whether I got married or lived single.

Act of kindness

I tortured myself to watch the series – Decoupled on Netflix. There has been trash-talking about the series. In hindsight, the series has reflected Indians romanticizing marriage. Why can’t you walk out of the wedlock? Why do you have to feel sorry about the divorced person? Why can’t divorce people remarry or even fall in love? I want to get a better perspective on social thoughts related to divorce. People who are unhappy in their marriage continue to live false life. A man can continue to hide their sexual orientation from the family and bring home a ‘trophy wife.’ Was this necessary? Why can’t we speak the truth about our life choices? There is a long list of questions that revolve around the series. You could check the reviews and watch the series if the plot interests you.
On the other hand, today, I met one of my friends who married right before the pandemic. I didn’t get a chance to meet him after that. But in a couple of minutes that we spent together, he taught me a life lesson. We always complain that rich people are getting richer. With a little gesture of kindness, we can help the people struggling to meet ends in their life. He met his maid while we were heading towards the bus stop. He asked the whereabouts of her children, her health; and even asked for her recent contact number. While bidding goodbye, he gave her snack packets and a small token of love. I got deeply touched by the gesture of kindness he showed. Later he mentioned that money was for his cab fare. We discussed how we should try to help people of low-income strata. I think this was the first time I had seen him performing this gesture. As we age, we mature and try to contribute to society. I wish this holiday season, every one of you would perform one act of kindness for humanity.

Hypocrites

We are hypocrites, believe it or not. We care about our problems yet make fun of others. Mental health was one of the topics that sailed up during the pandemic. Before the pandemic, we allowed people to walk over us. Employees play the mental health card if questioned for work. Do you think that’s appropriate? I believe it is inappropriate to use your privileges. Everyone assumes that people with strong personalities cannot have mental breakdowns. I started my day having the roughest conversation with one of my colleagues. People have new ways to escape scenarios. I want to term the immature behavior of my colleague as a result of the male ego. The clash was the second one in a month. I don’t appreciate it when people assume that I am a strong-headed person. I can break down too. I have never made too many friends in the corporate world. The reason is someone would play you or play against you. It’s a world you cannot trust. People keep a count of favors they do. I have been made long-term friends through my corporate connection. I am glad none of us were waiting for the other one’s downfall. The unpleasant conversation reminded me of Harvey’s quote: “Caring is for the weak. You care, and they’ll walk all over you.”
As my mental health took a toll today, I took a leave. My manager was quite accomodating and pushed me to avail myself of a break. I binged watched one of my favorite shows on Netflix. I also related to Monica from the TV show – FRIENDS. She could overcome a sad situation after a deep cleaning of the house. I felt like walking in Monica’s shoes today. “The grass always seems greener on the other side.” We should stop being hypocrites, and respect everyone’s mental well-being.

Rewards

The 13th day of December has been exhaustive. Mondays are back-to-back calls and no time to pee situation in my life. I am writing a gratitude post today for myself. I watched a vlog recently, where the vlogger mentioned the importance of rewarding yourself. Why should you buy that expensive perfume? Why do you need an iPad? Well, burning a hole in your pocket might concern you. But rewarding yourself might have never crossed your mind. I am sure we never reward ourselves enough. Most of us are working hard to build a home, fulfill dreams, and work harder for survival. I can count the number of holidays; I have taken for myself. At 31, people assume I enjoy living away from my parents. Seriously, I am not even close to celebrating my success.
My plans were dependent on my friends and a few other people. I never could gather the courage to take a flight and celebrate my birthday in a hotel room watching the moonlit sky. I am not romanticizing singlehood. I am trying to live for every second that I have left. From where we belong, marriage changes aspects of life. I may not land in a family that supports solo traveling. I may not land in a place where my partner would be a travel freak. Women tend to live all their dreams before their marriage. The majority of women don’t land up in the place they deserve to be. It’s a domino effect prevailing in society for women, not all. People quoted many times in the past year that I am not Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. I wanted to turn back and reply, but I surpassed that comment. Today, when we are approaching the end of the year, I want to party in their faces. I want to gift myself a lavish holiday for all jaws to drop. But, I’ve been at the mercy of my bank account. Though, I hope I can make some extravagant purchases, burning a hole in my pocket. I hope I reward myself one fine day.

Choose yourself

I have missed Bangalore for the vibe it brings to my life. Even though I stay alone in a flat, I never feel lonely around myself. I have realized that we can say “NO” to any situation. Recently, one of my friends asked me to visit her place where she stays with her boyfriend. In Bangalore, everyone plans their travel, gauze the distance, traffic, and taxi fares. I think I made a wiser decision of enjoying my Sunday alone rather than spending two hours in traffic. Maybe I sound a bit selfish here. Though I strongly feel that you should make efforts for people who have reciprocated the same. People also turn pushy when they play their friendship cards to persuade your decisions. I have returned to Bangalore after two years almost. Last Sunday, I was busy cleaning my house, decluttering, ordering groceries, and adjusting my sleeping hours in a new environment. I think I deserve a Sunday to myself. My friend offered me to stay at her place. But I wasn’t comfortable staying over for two reasons. One reason is, I haven’t known her boyfriend well enough to walk around in my pajamas. The second reason is not all beds bring the vibes of home. I have stayed at my friends’ places, but I have known them for 6-7 years. I know I can walk around in my shorts, and no one would stare at my ass. I have got great friends with whom I have been sick and crazy.
However, I felt great about myself this time; I chose myself over any party or social event. I have gone miles for friendships, yet people have turned out strangers. So, I feel I made the right choice by choosing my Sunday watching Netflix in my blanket all day.

I also promised this friend that I will catch up next week.