Page 18 of 365

Adulting isn’t buying groceries or worrying about your online order delivery. Adulting is overcoming a panic attack on your own. Life flashes in front of your eyes in a blink, yet you feel lost in the crowd is adulting. Life would put you in situations you would have never imagined yourself. Earlier this week, my limbs froze as I struggled to hold on to a yoga pose. I fell on my mat and tried on the rise again as I heard my yoga teacher motivate me through the screen. I felt my tears and sweat together on my cheeks. I failed and failed yesterday on the mat. Well, that’s adulting! You fall and yet choose to live with that!

I promised not to shed tears this year. Starting in January, I am already failing to keep this promise. A sunny morning, great news at work, cooked lunch, and no transportation issue – Well, that’s quite a morning for an adult. I opened my Instagram in the evening, and my heart sank. My ex is now a father to a cute baby girl. I took my phone in milliseconds and decided to give him a call. We spoke for a few minutes, and I couldn’t control my tears over the phone. No one taught me that we have to deal with situations of sorts. My heart is delighted to see him reach this stage in life. We started as college kids, and we matured. I shivered while I held the phone and continued the conversation. I felt two mature people having a conversation, two college friends celebrating another one’s parenthood. Yet, my heart kept consoling me for the lost battle.

No one taught me how to feel less lonely looking at this sight. No one taught me the harsh reality of adulthood would hit hard in the gut. Adulting taught me to be happy and gather the courage to fight uncomfortable conversations. It taught me that I am the sailor of my sinking ship. There is no end to achievements and accomplishments in life. Yet, we tend to compare our lives, but our journeys are so unique. There are days when you don’t wish to be an adult. But you get up, dress up and show up. Loneliness gives me creep on some days.

No plan could be a plan

Sara was ironing the wrapping paper from Christmas on New Year’s Eve while watching the new episode of ‘The Crown’. Her phone was blinking endlessly and she welcomed too many messages. She wasn’t in a party mood and decided to ignore the texts. Though she definitely was in the holiday mood. So she decided to snuggle on the couch with hot chocolate. When the clock struck midnight, she went to the balcony and looked at the fireworks illuminating the sky. It’s magical how we walk into a new year and want to fix everything wrong starting from Day 1.

The morning of January 1st was fruitful for Sara as she unboxed her planner and wrote a letter to her future self. She continued stretching on her yoga mat for a week to accomplish her resolution. Then, as she approached mid-January, her ex-boyfriend decided to get engaged and hell broke loose with one Instagram post.

Sara drowned herself in wine and locked herself up. Jamie, her best friend came to the rescue. Reminding her about her toxic relationship and reasons to move on in life. Jamie saw Sara’s vision board hanging above her writing desk. The vision board was a reflection of Sara’s new year’s resolutions. January was marked for yoga and meditation, February was marked for resuming the running schedule, and March was honored with a travel sticker with an unknown destination. While everything on the vision board looked vibrant. Jamie’s gaze was stuck on travel and she started pestering Sara with the idea of solo travel….

I wrote this short story as a part of an exercise to combat ‘Writer’s block’ last weekend. I believe it is always good to pen down your wandering thoughts. You would be worst or good at building a backdrop as a writer. But in the end, it is crucial for you to pick yourself up and fight your demon. Let all the characters inside your head, land on the paper and you could be the puppet charmer. The above story is based on a prompt provided at the Write Club Bangalore. Even though, in its incomplete form, it gave me the courage to publish it here to mark the clearing brain fog of a writer inside.

Circa 2007

People always judge you based on your behavior. No one gives a dime about the actions which molded you. In my life, I have been hurt million times, and I have reciprocated it. Back in 2007, I gave my heart and soul to a boy. I let him play with it, walk all over it, and smile back again. When I look back today, I realize I was in a toxic relationship. He wasn’t toxic, I let him use me which made me a toxic personality altogether. I stopped myself from opening my heart to anyone after that. You don’t realize the toxicity prevailing around us in form of friends, family, and partners. I remember my teachers asking me to build peer bonding in school. I left my inhibitions behind and shook hands with my classmates, enemies, and sometimes allies. I have opened my heart many times and every time my friends have made fun of my life choices, my one-sided love, and at times me. I have fewer friends from school now and fewest from college. I didn’t earn many friends in life, but I think I can do with the few in my laps for the rest of my life. All my college life, I looked at ‘him’ as a life partner. I was naive then. Maybe I am naive today when one movie brought back a zillion memories. We watched 120 movies together or maybe more than that. I sealed every ticket with a bit of gum on my diary. We watched every Shahid Kapoor movie at least thrice, those days when we lived only on our pocket money. A scene from the ‘Jersey’ movie reminded me of a younger self. A girl screaming out loud without knowing a few of the batsman’s stances. She was standing at the stands for her boyfriend who batted in whites and looked impeccably handsome. It reminded me of days when I tanned myself playing volleyball so that I could be on the same ground as you. I remember running for bottles of drinking water, just to see him bat once. I remember the match where you scored 47 runs. I remember your coach hated girls screaming in the stands. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs ‘Rohan’ (coz it was Shahid’s name in a movie). I remember your face walking in disappointment when you got out. It was just a movie after a decade, but it reminded me that once I was deeply in love with you. It reminded me of my old self when I cared about being in love. It reminded me of myself when I loved with all my heart. Now, after a decade of being a different person, my heart stopped loving without fear of getting hurt. I guess I would raise my kids better. I would teach them to never break a heart beyond repair.

Fragrances called You

Have you thought about the fragrances you leave behind? Every human has a unique scent, which might be coined scientifically as pheromones. We recognize people around us by the smell they leave behind us. Your grandma would have a fragrance bringing back your childhood days to life. Your ex-boyfriend had a peculiar smell reminding you of an expensive perfume you gifted him. Women remember the fragrance of their stalkers, colleagues, or even acquaintances.
Amara, a city girl, was no different from all of us. She had a great taste in perfumes. She spent her date night with a man who had no interest in alcohol. He was the perfect man with that six-pack abs you would have seen women drool on. Amara couldn’t take her eyes off him. He swept her off the ground that very moment when he opened the door for her. The date night did end with a steamy night at Amara’s residence. Even though she liked being with him, she disliked his fragrance lingering in her apartment. Her hair smelled of him, the aftermath of last night mingled in red wine. Amara did loads of laundry, starting from her clothes to bedsheets. She headed into the shower, cleansed herself, and looked calmer now. She smelled like herself, with a bit of strawberry and shea butter lingering in her apartment again.
Have you ever felt like Amara even after your date smelled like a greek god? Have you ever washed someone’s aura from your body? Have you ever tried to forget someone’s smell so hard? Have you ever loved a fragrance that you wished to bottle?

Man with a golden heart

Have you dreamt about your date? I would like you to hold that thought for me now. I am a person who has been hopelessly in love with people, places, and songs. I met my friend from Instagram after four years of battle. Yes, conflicting conversations, we never agreed on a couple of life choices. I wasn’t even sure about meeting him in person. I took him to the most romantic place for dinner. Then, I never thought it to be a date. The place was dreamy. I wanted to dine looking at the magnificent Qutub Minar. We went on the topmost floor of the restaurant, from the Qutub Minar was visible standing illuminated in the night. I was in love with the view at that moment. People were clicking a gazillion pictures with the Qutub Minar at the backdrop. As adults, we choose to order our food first. The waiter serving us was one of the jolliest waiters I have ever seen in Delhi. We were mesmerized by the view, where every second an airplane would buzz the Qutub and fly over our heads. I realized meeting someone in person allows you to look into their eyes and nudge their heart. I loved the conversation where we discussed life which mainly revolved around marriage. Most people aren’t ready to open their hearts to anyone. I realized they aren’t afraid of love, but the tantrums coming together. Officially, it wasn’t a date, but it felt more like one with a beautiful backdrop soothing our eyes and the wintry night of Delhi. We spent quite a fun evening admiring the view and thinking of Burj Khalifa. As soon as he left for the washroom, I called the waiter for the cheque. When he returned, he called for a cheque too. I smiled at the waiter, and he smiled back at me. The waiter said, “Sir, the bill is covered.” He gave me a stern look, and I laughed. The waiter heard our conversation where I was getting scolded for the bill. He even searched my jacket pockets for the receipt. Then, the waiter said, “Sir, how does it matter who paid the bill. Everyone is equal.” I couldn’t hold my laughter at that point when the waiter was on my side. The waiter continued, “Sir, we should be proud of all the women who are working shoulder to shoulder with men. Look at ma’am, she is happy paying the bill for you. I also have a daughter, and I want her to be independent. I don’t know why people still ask for dowry. Sir, in our culture, we don’t appreciate taking dowry.” His lines won my heart, and of course, Sir was speechless. I narrated this story for the golden heart man serving us and not for the date night. Sometimes, the underprivileged people teach us a broad-minded life. I want to narrate this story to everyone who came to ask for dowry. We loved the waiter for his heart.

67 of 365

I have the urge to write again about love and love stories running inside my head. My heart feels happier with each passing day. I may have lost two years of my social life to the pandemic. But, I am glad to be back in the city of my dreams. I visited my friends after a while now, and nothing has changed. Everyone has matured in their own space. We have grown to accept ourselves as adults and adhere to adulting changes life planned for us. It’s overwhelming to have a mature conversation with people who aren’t judgemental. Every individual needs a safe space to discuss their mental health and adulting issues. I am glad that I built a safe space in form of ‘people’. No one is glad that the pandemic happened. A lot of lives were lost, but did you find yourself during the pandemic? If the answer is yes, you have sailed through the difficult phase of your life. You survived along with a deadly virus by your side.

Every day I get up and thank god for every breath. I usually wake up around 7:30 AM. After I freshen up, I open the door of my balcony for fresh air and a morning pack of Vitamin D. Every day without fail I witness an elderly couple washing and drying clothes together on the terrace of their house. They have synchronized this daily chore and the sight is delightful. A generation would yearn for flowers or a diamond ring as proof of love. But, I want what this elderly couple has! A reason to live for one more day in my old age. I would like to share my evening cup of tea, looking at the sunset and holding those wrinkled hands. I want to fight for not taking the medicine of dementia, even though he already had it. I want to have a platonic connection in the world of fake smiles. I want to get up every morning to hear that heart beating. I know someday I would sleep and never wake up. But, I will be resting in the arms of my world.

Hello February

Are you excited about this month? I have had my share of COVID news in January. I had my share of sick days, but I would say last year I was worse. My heart was racing hard as February approached this time. Last year, I met with an accident confined to four walls of my apartment. I was in pain, and I cried every night till I gathered the courage to board a flight home. The doctor said I needed bed rest for a couple of months. Every day was a struggle; he gave clarity on home care requirements. I would see my parents teary-eyed when they saw me limp to the washroom. My sister gave up her bed without any complaints. Every night was a struggle as I couldn’t move. I am glad I took that bed rest. I am back on my feet to run and conquer my fears.
At our housewarming function, one of my relatives told me that my injury changed everyone’s life around me. Now, we have a home, and thanks to my injured leg.
Coming this month, I don’t have words to express my excitement for my travel diaries. I have taken a couple of trips with my friends, but this would be our first flight together. Life was a bit sad in January when everyone was sick. I hope with every month, the situation gets better. Hope you all feel better.

India’s 73rd Republic Day

India woke up to its 73rd Republic Day, fluttering the tricolor at every nook and corner of the country. The parade and flag hoisting in the country brought immense patriotism to social media. This parade brings nostalgia reminding us of old school days when we dressed up in crisp whites for the school parade. Do you remember all the wars India fought? Do you remember all the dates we mugged up for our history exams? These questions found answers when we grew up. We found an answer with the news of Indian soldiers attaining martyrdom for the country. Do you know your heroes who are fighting at the borders? Do you know your heroes protecting your sky and water bodies? Watching the Republic Day parade gives immense pride. Many of us enjoy this day as a mere holiday, but the jawans celebrate the existence of the motherland. 

Many people in our country aren’t aware of the difference between Republic Day and Independence Day. Much to the hypocrisy, they give vague reasons for skipping the parade. Many people think you have to watch the faces of corrupt politicians during the parade. What about the soldiers from different regiments marching in a cold breezy winter morning at the Rajpath? Armed forces have been practicing for over weeks to put on a show that would sing about the valor of the country and showcase India as a powerful nation. We are the nation when we talk with limited knowledge of our Armed Forces. 

Everyone in the country should be proud of men and women in uniform. Be proud of the Nation for the Armed Forces. The soldier isn’t privileged enough to enjoy this day as a holiday. “It is an ordinary day for the soldiers guarding Siachen. It is an ordinary day for the soldiers flying jaguars saluting the National Flag. It is an ordinary day for a martyr’s family.” 

You can show your respect to the armed ones fighting for you without even knowing you. They made the most difficult choice of their life: ‘Service before self.’ Go, watch the glimpses of the parade and feel proud of the soldiers. 

https://www.ndtv.com/india-news/republic-day-parades-first-marching-contingent-is-worlds-only-active-horsed-cavalry-regiment-2730411

Image source: https://www.financialexpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/Vijay-Chowk-Republic-Day-2022-PTI-photo.jpg

Love Laugh Live

A few days ago, I heard an interview on a social media platform. This interview inspired me enough to write pointers for my blog content. Everything else took a back seat in the hush of New year. During the weekend, I was tracking my progress for the month. I came across the interview details mentioned in my planner. Well, it may sound like one of the pro points of carrying a journal or planner everywhere. Let’s jump to the interview which aired on YouTube sometime in 2021. ‘Love Laugh Live’ is one of the shows hosted by India’s powerful anchor Mandira Bedi. She interviewed India’s most loved comedian and poet, Zakir Khan. I love him for everything he speaks. You realize that some people have a heart of gold. Zakir Khan quoted, “Every place has a different sky.” As poetic as it sounds, this statement stands true. I analyzed this statement putting it right there in my life. I have been madly in love with a place that brought joy to my life. I have been miserable for about six months and cursed my existence. Another statement made by Zakir Khan was, “A person is always in love – You love your passion.” Do you feel the depth of this statement? We are a generation who failed to love. Zakir justified his passion for poetry. To write a poem, you don’t have to fall in love with a person, be in love with your ink. Another statement quoted by Zakir was – “Filling in silence is not important.” We tend to talk and share endlessly with people we love. The day the person understands your silence, you have found ‘Your home.’ Have you ever been comfortable in silence with a person? Try thinking on this ground once. We always blame poets and writers for making the breakup phase miserable. However, no one can save us from a jobless scenario, heartbreak, or grief. You have to be your cheerleader in all walks of your life. Till the time destiny brings in your loudest cheerleader in the stand.

Mighty Monday

It has been a while since I wrote a blog. Even though I have zillion thoughts running in my head, I failed to write a piece. I blame it on the weather and, of course, the virus. Coronavirus has been killing all good vibes, forever it seems. We are nearing towards completion of the first month of 2022. How’s it going for everyone so far?
I have had my share of worst days for this month already, where I was sick for days. One day, I had optimum body temperature, and for all the other days, I slept with a thermometer by my bedside. Being sick is such a bummer. You don’t feel like eating, but you are hungry. I slept the whole week to overcome my energy. I resumed reading even though I am still suffering from a reading slump. This year I want to read everything from my TBR. It’s an unrealistic goal; every reader is well aware of it. Though, there is no harm in trying to fulfill unrealistic goals. This month, I was also looking forward to a vacation. All plans in vain. A girl can’t dream of reading in peace amidst the mountains! Heading for a vacation is becoming a distant dream.
Till the time, I visit some landscapes, I am busy reading some non-fiction books. I hope I will be a regular this year with my blogs. Let’s hit the activation button on a beautiful Monday morning.

“Failure was in history and not herself, where she did not read the wrong writers”