Today, I woke up anxious as my alarm kept ringing non-stop. I had a sinking feeling that I was drowning. At 8 AM, I joined my yoga class, assuming the feelings would subside. I broke down during the session, feeling disappointed in myself. Is it work that stresses me out, or is it the persistent problem of my life? I am sinking in self-doubt as I write this blog.
For the past couple of months, I was headstrong when questioned on my matrimonial side. I did say, “Marriage is not my goal in life.” I failed to convince people around, and the question still lingers around. Now and then, people make me realize that “I am not milky white”; “I am not tall enough”; “I am not slim”; or “My father doesn’t hold enough land or money to get me married.”
Yesterday, in a peculiar matrimonial prospect, the guy’s mother said, “They have agreed to a proposal as they promised a high amount.” My father tried to interpret the conversation if they didn’t like my pictures. The lady conveniently stated that I wanted to put forward a proposal for your younger daughter. My father was confused. I realized my father’s WhatsApp picture had my sister’s picture resulted in this conversation. I saw my parents troubled and panicked for the rest of the day. It makes me angry and agitated to look at the condition of society. How did someone have the audacity to talk about women as commodities? If the family thought process is orthodoxical, the next generation must educate them. On the matrimonial websites, the guys’ profiles are from reputed companies such as Novo Nordisk, JP Morgan Chase, Deloitte, etc. Hence, as per my assumption, every guy is well-educated to interrupt their parents when they are making demeaning remarks about another person, be it anyone’s daughter or sister. I am ashamed of the society we reside.
My heart feels heavier every day. I haven’t seen my parents smile with their hearts out in a long time now. I blame myself to an extent. I try to contain my heart and trust the universe. Yet, I fail every passing day, and today’s meltdown was a warning signal. A perfect life is beyond my imagination, but a life where I can see my parents smile isn’t too much to ask. There are some battles that I am happy to lose in life. I believed I could get a free pass for a couple of situations in life once I got married.
I could take that trip to Leh without my parents panicking about my solo travel. I could travel to Europe, and no one would care about that. I could do strike-off things from my bucket list holding-hand of a partner. As the days and years pass, my existence on this earth is questioned. A woman’s existence is weighed by her marital status even today! I hope everyone understood the truth – there is more to life than being tied in a nuptial knot.
nidhantrika 